Giving up

When i feel like the world means nth anymore,
when i feel like dying,
when i feel like giving up,
when i finally decided to give up and step up the ledge,

Who will be there to talk me around?
Who will reach out their all times helping hands for me?
Who will save me?

Oh i know....
There's always this only saviour in life of mine...

It's me =D.
I shall save myself,
once again.


Ps: it's tiring to save yourself.

This is funny. hahahaha but a little horny... o.o

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April 22nd Thursday

Before i start to write anything i would wanna say that this post is going to be emotional. It's going to be moody and really down. Guess my days haven been good lately. Conflicts here and there.... Complications... totally ruined my mood.

If everyone is to meant what they say...
to cherish and appreciate before everything is too late,
wouldn't this save alot more tears and pain?

Today,
im stressed up.
I have got combined full band rehearsal in the morning which drove me crazy.
All these scales.... totally give me a big headache.
what's worse is all these scores which seems so stranger.
at one glance, u have to side read and play it on the spot.
just right there, i give the these music scoresssss to u now and please... play it now.

am i like superman?
no im not like the others.
they obtained grade 8 in music, diploma in music, major in music composition.
what am i?
im just a guy who played in the band during secondary school.
secondary school hello? thats 5 freaking years back.......!
this totally crack my head.

and now im the life co-ordinator of the band that means more workloads.
but these are still fine... still able to cope.
what totally kill you, is when the people u want to understand you,
dont understand you at all.

This is so draining that i just feel like keeping quiet.
im physically and mentally shaggedddd.
sometimes, i may not say but i really yearned for some care, concern and understanding.
sometimes, i really want someone to assure me that everything is going to be fine.
sometimes, i really need some love.

Today, im caught in a thunderstorm while going back home.
from camp to the bus stop is really quite a distance away tho.
the lightning and storm, it's scary.
But still i'm there walking in it, holding my spoilt umbrella.
im drenched, totally.
Just when i reach my bus stop, i missed my bus.
I felt really miserable tho.
while im in the rain, i have been thinking.
im braving through this storm just to save time as to get home earlier.
Saving time, cherishing every seconds. How many really do?

Right at that moment, days in ninja life flashes back again.
It's thanks to ninja that i've know the importance of time, the importance of getting home, the importance of seeing your family, your love ones.
But, other than my mom, who else can really feel my suffering during my days in ninja?

Alright let's not drag it too far away.
at that point of time,
the main thing that ive been wondering about,
is why she can mentioned that meeting me is everything when she chooses not to meet me but to meet everyone else when she have the time.


Till then,
im felt miserable

Guard Duty?

yeah damn right.
im doing guard duty right now.
and im blogging right now too.
hahaha.
damn too bored man .
aint got nothing to do.
so i guess i'll use the computer =D.
there's no one here tho.... except with my partner xD.

He's off for a jog...
so i guess that left only me alone now,
to emo.
xDD. hahaha.
well...
when can i get to ORD?!!
haha alright i shouldn't have complain .
hmmm ...
Life's good.
Night snack is waiting for me on the table....
and.....
i get to sleep in an air conditioned room tonight.
how great eh?
haha. stayin here is much better than sleeping in bunk.
Ahhhhh.. i should have brought over my tibits and chips..
XDXDXD but i guess its ok.

Hmmmmm....
somehow,
i feel so empty inside.
its like something is missing..
and then... i received a msg from baobei in the messenger.
ya. i guess i know now.
this empty feeling is due to the fact of not spendin enough time with her the past weekend.

Im shocked to say that i miss her.
shocked indeed.
at least i still do.
that's somehow a good sign right?

Motivation

Hi im back =D.
hmmm just have an OCS parade yesterday which lasted till quite late. =(.
This have been going on for the whole of the week, including this saturday which is the actual parade.
I've been in the band for quite sometime now.
yeah realised alot of talented people as usual.
well i get to know this humble friend of mine in the saf band,
i know he is good in playing the trumpet but he is never arrogent tho.

Here's a video of him playing the Haydn Trumpet Concerto.
he's quite a cute little boy isn't he xD.

March 11

Hmm have been long ever since i last blogged.
So here i am back again to speak my mind.
Today's March 11. It's already March.
It's 5 months going to 6 months since the first day i enlisted.
Yes. I would say army life have once changed me.
Especially the torturing Ninja company.
I've seen many people.
How people will react under a huge stress.
A side which people will show when they are being tortured.
They may seem to be so nice at the start. All these, are just before the tough times.
There's no such thing as buddy or friends when people are being place under a harsh and tough condition. Selfish humans. Yes true indeed. World's cruel and man are selfish.

Now in Band. living condition is alot better.
but when people are too free, they tend to gossip alot.
which is something i cant stand.
Gossip here gossip there.
Yes saf band are filled with talented people.
which on the other hand, they think that they're way too smart that they start to judge people inside out.

What a world. But what can i say? what can i do to bring a stop to all these?
It's all outta my control. i guess what i can do now or rather the only thing i can do now is to protect my family and my love ones.
I guess i failed.
Yes i did.
i failed to stop something which cast another phobia to me in my life.
Money. i lost my hope, trust and sense of security to money.
Simple-minded. Never a good thing.
I'm wondering why whenever i tried to stop something bad from happening, it'll still happen.

WHY WONT YOU PEOPLE JUST HEED MY ADVISES?
What's the point of regretting after that?
Not everything in life have got a turnback.
Once you walked the wrong path, you'll just sank in it.
Right now i just hope i can get my degree as soon as possible.

After that i'll and definately join the police force.
as my aim in life is to destroy all these evil hearted crooks.
i dare not say im doing it for the republic of singapore.
But at least i'm doing it to protect my family and love ones.
If one is to know that one's son or husband is a police,
will they still dare to lay their fingers or evil motives on them?

yawned.

Have been long ever since i last blogged.
I'm kind of busy with my... Work? or NS?
well they both meant the same to me now.
Busy practising my music pieces, theory, aural and marching for exam.
Its weird to say there's exam when im serving NS. haha.
Here's something which will get u guys more surprised.
I've actually got homework too man. haha.
Hmm so basically im all strss up with all these things now.
Hope i get to pass with flying colours... as it comes with a cert too as well.
haha.

It's 2010 now and im trying hard to forget every unhappy moments in 2009.
BUT it's more easy to say than its done.
esp that matter.
fuck that is seriously too much to take.
i guess i'll live with all these phoebias now.
No hope no pain right?
But its hard not to hold any hope especially to things that matters alot.
u cant possibly dont care about it nor let it go.
So u cant help but kept worrying and hoping for a change.

Did i get anyone of u confused here? xD.
I guess im the only one who know what im talking about now.
Sooo.. ye.
Anyway let's just talk about something light here.
I realised something.
in SAF Band. people are not just very good with music.
They are good with other things too.
Like... Ping Pong like example?
My seniors play ping pong just professionals sia.
Seriously professional man.

In the saf band, people have their own respective instrument to play.
Other than that, i realised they actually know other instruments as well.
like piano... trombone or euphonium.
i seldom praise anyone nor really look up to anyone so far.
But ever since i entered SAF band,
i get to see all the talented people in singapore.
all the number ones seems to be all gathered here.

Seriously not joking.
they have got the ranking in singapore.
i can only open my eyes big big, looking at them and "waaa".
Everytime when the upper class people came in and talked to us they will normally say...
You guys are the chosen one among the best of best.
So everything shouldn't pose a problem to you guys.
I often felt good listening and proud to be part of the chosen ones.
but that will get me thinking...
am i really this good?
But whatever it is, i guess i shall just try my best here.

But one thing here not so pleasant is that there's politician here.
Strong competitions, gossips and complications.
Every step made here must be thought carefully or i guess u'll suffer for long.
So i only talk and joke necessary.
Or u'll be outcast, hated or a topic to talk about.
I guess that's life, its the same everywhere.
as humans are seriously fucked up.